pile of good

i do nearly all of my best thinking when i am alone in the car.  tonight i had about an hour drive home and very little traffic, which meant it was the perfect time for discussions with me.

i had two main talks with myself tonight.

the first talked revolved around me being reminded that i really am a lucky woman.  i have some really amazing friends and family and i am extremely thankful to have them in my life.  i took some time to think of some specific friends and why they are so special to me.

- a friend who would do anything for me any time.  no matter how much time we spend apart, it's as though nothing has changed.  it's always comfortable and fun and i feel uplifted after spending time together.  a friend that i feel as though i've always know, always. and that i always will.
- a friend who is a reminder that sometimes friends aren't just friends but angels sent to help us and enrich our lives.
- a sister who can be a friend who is there through it all.  and understands some things in a way that no one else can.
- a friend who teaches me that sometimes you're batman and sometimes you're robin and it's ok to play either role (i'm still working on this one... i hate feeling like robin).
- a friend who can always make me laugh when we are in a room together regardless of the situation (and believe me, there have been difficult times).  a friend i don't feel the need to entertain but i always have the very best of times with.

and i would like share this:



and the second talk i had.

october 25 will be one year since uncle mike passed away.  sometimes i have flashes back to the hospital, to the icu, to that last, horrific week. and days when i can't handle it my brain screams 'stop' and i put it away and think about something else. and days when i'm feeling a little stronger, i force myself to push through and get myself to think about the good memories with uncle mike.  the times on the seesaw at grandma cathy's house. hiking in arizona. the time he bought me my first copy of a brief history of time.  i think about how he always made us laugh.  how he would say 'thank you ma'am, may i have another?'  how he loved to travel and experience life. loved to go to fancy restaurants and order red beans and rice.  loved to read and learn and be surrounded by good friends.  how he loved us, so very, very much.

it hurts and it's hard but it's better than telling myself to close that part off.  and it makes me think of the ways my life has changed since then.  the way my goals have changed.  and the dear friends who took care of me when everything happened (whether they knew they were or not).

the first month or so after he passed away, i cried every night and thought it would never end.  it was about 6 months or so later that i thought for the first time, one day i will stop being sad.  until that point, i just never thought that would happen ever again.  and now i'm at a point where i can push through to the happy memories... they still make me cry, i don't know that that will ever change.  but i feel like i'm working my way through.  grief and loss are big things to deal with. but as sirius once told harry, "but know this; the ones that love us never really leave us. and you can always find them in here. [puts his hand to harry's heart]"

one final thing, this has been stuck in my head