Wednesday, April 29, 2015

thinking things

i bought a carton of chocolate milk and i have been drinking it straight from the container.  because i'm probably a time traveler.  at the very least i'm a big believer in cutting out the middle man in the chocolate milk delivery cycle.

i've been thinking about starting a hobby but whenever i try to figure that out i get tired and just read instead.  some times i think i'd like to start doing stand up and that makes all sorts of weird butterfly things happen in my stomach which makes me both terrified and excited.  terrified and excited is basically the only way i ever want to feel.  but it's difficult to sustain the feeling of terricited b/c eventually you do what it is you're thinking about and you either die or it becomes un-terriciting.  heres to chasing the fleeting feeling of terricitement. 

for me this is part of the draw of dating and the early stages of relationships.  b/c at any moment it could turn out the one of you is a murderer or has a habit of constantly asking for nudes even though you've explained you don't do that or only eats peanut butter.  you just never know what's around the corner as you start to get to know someone.  this is both the terrifying and exciting part of meeting new people and opening your world to them.  because we're all insane.

there are times when i wish i could un-know something about someone.  it's not so bad if something is told to you second hand like once i was told that one of my coworkers has an obsession with wearing diapers.  which is weird enough to be true but weird enough that i can definitely pretend that it absolutely is not true.  worse is when you learn it first hand.  like when someone tells you they don't believe in dinosaurs.  or that they don't like to read.  or you find out that someone's safe word during sex is pikachu.  these are things you can never unlearn and you have to face them armed with that knowledge every time you look into their eyes.

knowledge is power, am i right?

speaking of power, can we take a moment to talk about the fact that i'm still in love with commander riker?  my love of charming men with brown hair stems from my love of riker.  it's been years and i'm still chasing that riker dream.  charming mean with brown hair and a little power.  that's all i'm looking for at this point.  spread the word.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

plenty of fish and other things like whales and coral

hey guys, remember when i was a vegetarian for like two years b/c i was angry about cow rape?  just thought we should all remember that for a bit.

anywho, today i was reminded that i live in a sitcom.  sometimes i forget that i'm living in a sitcom and i think maybe i'm just a normal person and then something ridiculous happens and i'm like oh right, i remember this.

a little less than a year ago i went on a date with a man i had met on eharmony.  i didn't want to go on the date with him b/c that day he had text messaged me and in the message he called me ELAINE which is my all time least favorite thing to be called.  i'd rather you were just like hey crapbag than call me elaine.  so i'm totally not feeling the date b/c this sucker called me elaine and i found out that day that he didn't have brown hair (which is a ridiculously huge thing for me... also you're probably right now thinking to yourself, ah yes self, i totally see now why elaina is single, yes, yes, it finally makes sense).  but i went through with it anyway.  to my recollection it was a perfectly adequate evening but i had no intention of following up with him and would probably only say sure if asked to go out again.

but i wasn't asked.  never heard from him again and definitely felt like that was the best outcome for all parties.

flash forward to the present.  a couple of days ago i decided i wanted to see what plenty of fish was about b/c my friend maria is trying it and she seemed to say that it was both ok and terrible at the same time and for whatever reason that got me really curious about what goes on there.  i love things that on the positive side are just ok and on the negative side are terrible.  i want to see what those odds are like!

so i sign up for an account, upload a few pictures, write a sentence or two for the bio (which i think just says "i like books and bicycles, lets be friends"... totally the most accurate bio that was ever written) and then the waiting begins.  you start getting messages from mostly weirdos who say creepy things.  or weirdos who send you form emails.  or weirdos who don't remember they already went on a date with you and that it did not end well.

i kid you not, this morning i look at my phone and there's a message from this dude, saying hey how was your weekend.  and i thought oh weird, he found me again i guess i'll say hello.  long story short, turns out he didn't remember me and i had to be like uuum we've already met and gone out and it was not great, sooooo...

sooooo... lets continue chatting b/c now there is no easy way out of this conversation unless i just want to delete the thing from my phone which really does seem like the best course of action at this point.  however knowing my luck i will definitely run into this man again.  and he will probably hit on me without realizing who i am and i will have to once again say 'hey, no!  remember?  YOU DON'T LIKE ME.'

and i really hate reminding people that they don't like me.

the good news is that clearly he doesn't like me b/c of my personality (since he contacted me again based on pictures) and it's a lot easier for me to accept rejection based on my personality b/c that just means he's wrong b/c i'm AWESOME and he can just go and being single with his wrongness.

in conclusion, plenty of fish: it's both ok and terrible.  try it out!

Sunday, March 29, 2015

my friend john

i haven't exactly been great at the new year's goal of updating this once a week.  i could come up with a flurry of excuses but excuses are a dime a dozen and don't quote me the price if i haven't got the time.  am i right?

i'm in a transitional period in life right now.  the last couple months have been pretty miserable.  the mind has the incredible power to forget how difficult and painful change can be.  for that i am thankful but at the same time whenever i go through a growth period i find myself wondering what this mess is all about.

and then i have days like today when i realize i'm just going through a shake up and getting a new skin and i settle back in.  i am very grateful for the people who have stuck through the last couple months with me, whether by choice or because they're forced to.  i'm glad to have people who allow me to be sad and intentionally make lousy life choices and then cheer me on when i on occasion decide to be nice.

which brings me to the story of my friend john.  john works with me at the timeshare.  tomorrow he will be turning 72.  today i asked him what year he was born because i was too tired to do math.  1943, he said.  in london while the bombing was going on.  and then they moved to south africa because his father knew the economy would be too big of a mess after the war if they stayed.  when he was around 12 they returned to london but left when his mother got rheumatism.  that's when they made the move to australia.  he was around 14.  they started on one side of the country but after a few months his father decided to move the family across the country to just south of sydney.  he remembers sitting at the back of the train with his father and looking out over the 100 of miles of straight track and seeing masses of kangaroos running away from the train as they traveled across the outback.

do you know about the animals in australia, he asked me today.  not really, i told him.  and he told me about snakes that live in the water and can kill you.  spiders that set traps and pull beetles down the trap door.  a lizard that will bite you and every year for the rest of your life the mark will return for a couple weeks for no reason at all.  and the platypus.  with it's weird face.  and it's weird feet.  and it's weird desire to live in a house made of sticks on the water.

they had to survive, so they got weird, he said.

they had to survive, so they got weird.  one of life's great truths.  we have to survive, so we get weird.  we make it work. we adapt, we change, we become something different and new.  something we never dreamed of being.  and we build our house of sticks on the water with our weird faces and feet.

a couple weeks ago john said we were going to go out and tell each other jokes.  this invitation has been the highlight of my month and i hope it actually happens and soon.  but i'm definitely going to need to come up with a list of good jokes before then.  i wouldn't want to let him down.  it is the moments like that, when i realize i've made a real connection with someone, that i feel that maybe things aren't really as pointless as they sometimes seem.

so here's to change and to growing and to getting weird.

Friday, January 16, 2015


things have been busy busy.  it's always way more difficult to update when things are busy.  anywho, brittany and family came to visit and it was awesome.  we had lots of fun going to disneyland and having adventures.

laura is back from florida.  YAY.  FRIEND.  i don't know that a whole lot more than that matters.

things happen in life.  and they make you realize how lucky you are.  NO EXPLANATION.  figure it out yourself.

i ate umami burger tonight and it was delicious and i'm happy.  my burger had bacon nuggets and it was fabulous.  speaking of fabulous, it's almost time for ru paul's drag race to come back.. BOOM. 

my feet are all blistery and terrible from trying to break in shoes while doing pretend tours around disneyland.  that doesn't seem like real life but it is.  get out my face, yo.


Saturday, January 3, 2015

happy new year

happy new year everybody!

alright my 15 for 2015...

1. learn to juggle...finally
2. update the blog weekly
3. give 1 random gift a month
4. find a place to volunteer
5. learn to cook 12 new dishes
6. learn to play chess
7. write thank you cards
8. learn to cross stitch
9. ride my bike some place new
10. have a picnic
11. tour a winery
12. visit the east coast
13. buy something off craigslist
14. have fondue
15. get a passport

so as part of goal number 2, here we are.

today i completed day 1 of my 7 day stretch at work.  i stopped working in attractions over a year ago so i am no longer used to working stretches that are longer than 5 days.  perspective, amirite?  anyway day 1 is done and i'm ready to throw in the towel.  probably check in with me on day 7 to make sure i haven't murdered anyone.

monday i start my train the trainer program for traditions.  i am really ridiculously excited but also already totally exhausted.

22 days until i go to hawaii.  23 days until my birthday.

BIRTHDAY.  i'm going to be 3-1.  31.  in my thirties.  thirty something.  i was super prepared for turning 30 because i had been saying i was 30 for years.  i never prepared myself for what happens after 30 and i'm kind of freaking out.

all of friends was released on netflix yesterday.  what if that is the highlight of 2015?!?  gah.  lets all make this year awesome so that's not true.

highlights of 2014
- going to club 33 and having richard sherman sing for me
- meeting john lasseter and having him tell me jokes on the jungle cruise
- auditioning for traditions and all the help i received to get ready.  including one-on-ones that helped change my perspective on life
- keeping in touch with my florida training buddies
- being selected for the traditions team
- being healthy, happy and extraordinarily lucky

Sunday, August 10, 2014

a little of this, a little of sweat.

guys, my legs have been hurting so much lately, i think maybe i'm going through a growth spurt.  HOW CRAZY WOULD THAT BE?!?  it would be crazy and unnecessary but also AWESOME.  i kind of secretly hope that is what is happening and it's not just that my legs hate me now.  i hope i get to be like 6'2" or 6'3" and that when people accidentally bump into me my boobs will smash them in the face b/c i am a giant.

today at work i was making imaginary tea for this kid and i went through a really long process of asking him how much sugar and whether or not he takes cream and stirring it really well and then i told him to take a sip.  and do you know what he did?  HE SPIT IT OUT.  he spit out imaginary tea and said it was disgusting.  what kind of person makes disgusting imaginary tea?  why am i so bad at tea?!?  and why are four year olds so mean to me?  so then i yelled this tea is fabulous and i dumped the tea pot over his head.  that entire story is true, except not that last sentence.

i've been going through jungle withdrawals lately.  it's no fair that i spend the majority of my time smelling like a normal person instead of sweat and gun powder.  i also miss working in a place where everyone is all sweaty and not just me.  being the lone sweater is basically the worst kind of sweater.

i had a dream last night that i got a raise of an additional $2.50 an hour and it was basically the happiest moment of my life.  this is how i know i am poor. 

i would also like to record for all prosperity my new life motto: "if you're not sweaty, you're not doing it right."  i can no longer remember why jasmine said that but it is the best thing anyone has ever said to me.

this certainly has been a lot of sweat talk.  sorry.

also i can never figure out the entire it's vs its thing.  TOO HARD.
it's = contraction of it is
its = belongs to it
right?  TOO HARD.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

did it all for the cookie

this is a story of something that happened today at work and i'm being lazy, so here is the cut and paste version from a previous sharing...

So last week at work my manager was talking to this girl and they were talking about needing a place to store gift cards and the girl was saying that he could use one of the cookie boxes for it. That was when I walked in and I was like 'umm is cookie box what you call your tummy, because that's where you keep all your cookies?' Anyway, it turned into this thing that we would call our stomach cookie boxes.

My manager walks in today and is like yeah you can't say cookie box anymore. And I was like what why. And he says well I was talking to my friend and I told him I need to get something to put in my cookie box and his friend was like what the hell, why would you say that?? And he was like what, that's what I call my stomach now and his friend was like no, you need to look up cookie box on urban dictionary.

Turns out it's a slang term for vagina.
So my manager told his friend that he needed to get something to put in his vagina.

and then i about passed out from laughing so hard.  gah, i don't think that story will ever stop being funny to me.