too much!

i'll be the first to tell you i'm not a very patient person. i'm not particularly fond of animals or children or people who annoy me. not that anyone enjoys people who annoy them... but i have a very low threshold for tolerance.

the thing that drives me nuts lately has to do with the fit, my new car. i've never owned a hatchback before. i never realized how close people pull up behind me. especially dudes in trucks. anyway, before i had the trunk space to prevent people from pulling their car into the back seat of my car. now i have nothing.

if i look in my rearview mirror and the only thing i can see is the grill of your car... YOU ARE WAY TOO CLOSE.

i was super tempted to get out of my car and punch the guy behind me today. 'hey bud, don't you know this is a new car? get your ugly truck away from it before i rip your headlights out!'

definite shortage of patience lately.

last night i went to get some breakfast in the middle of the night. because that's how i do. i was driving jimothy home when some random car decided to run a light and pull out right in front of me. i slammed on the breaks and didn't run them over. a normal person would shout out some expletive but as we all know, that's not my style. instead i say to jimothy 'it's a good thing i just had eggs!' i'm still not totally sure what that means. i'm sure there was some chain reaction in my mind that made that pop out of my mouth but i can't remember what it was.

i'm watching the twilight zone. man, i love this show. it's even better than ghost adventures (which is like my all time favorite show to watch in the middle of the night). i really wish someone would just go about making the exact episodes of the twilight zone again exactly like they are but let me be in it. that seems like a good plan.

anyway, it's the fourth of july. and i was born in this country. just like springsteen. so, happy 4th of july!

why would anyone ever need TWO slice-o-matics? i can see needing one, but two? do you need to double fist slicing vegetables? how many sliced onions do you need? are you having some sort of crazy bbq where everyone demands mounds and mounds of sliced vegetables? because maybe you should get some less pushy friends.

so i'm watching this twilight zone marathon, right? and they keep coming up with crazy euphamisms and ways to get around saying drunk. it's pretty funny.

this episode is about a couple who was driving home from a party and when they woke up they were in a city that was like a movie set. the lady thought that maybe they had died and had gone to hell. just then they hear a train and the man says "did you ever hear of a railroad in hell?" that cracked me up... because why wouldn't they have a train in hell? the lady looks a lot like amy poehler.

WAIT

did amy poehler steal my idea about remaking the twilight zone?!?

"and the moral of the story is: if you drink don't drive. and if your wife has had a couple don't let her drive either." thanks twilight zone!