what a day for a day dream

i had the most incredible day. actually things have been really good lately. i suppose i should stop being amazed by this but i just can't... it's incredible to me how much the lord will bless us when we simply desire to do the right thing. i feel like i had some sort of switch flip in my head and i'm working toward becoming who i want to be.

i think part of this has to do with the fact that back in november or december i wrote down a list of goals. and then in january i wrote down a list of things i want to do this year. it's amazing what putting these things in writing will do. i have these lists pinned to my wall at work and every day i see them and i think about them and i move towards becoming them.

so here's a really long story. reader beware: this entry isn't for jokes. it's to record this moment in my life. so here we go...

one of my goals on my list was to be more open and honest with people. this is something i've thought about for a really long time but i didn't know what to do about it. for whatever reason i don't tell people about what's going on my life or how i feel. i generally feel like i will handle things myself and feel uncomfortable telling people what i'm thinking about (i do believe a big part of that is selfishness. i want to keep these events just for me and not let anyone else have them. i'm working on that part of me too.). i have really disliked that about my self but had no idea what to do about it. i've read tons of books on communication, yadda yadda yadda but none if it ever seemed to stick. anyway when i made this list of goals i wrote being open and honest on there. for the majority of my goals i was able to write daily, weekly and monthly activities that would help me achieve my goals. but for this particular goal i was at a loss. i didn't know how, where, when to start. i left it at that and hoped for the best on my goals and began working on what i knew how to do.

i started working on goals like being healthier. i cut out sodas. i'm exercising every day. i'm working on my goal of being closer to the lord. i'm reading my scriptures and praying every day. i'm taking opportunities to learn new skills and develop who i am.

anyway, fast forward a few months. i make a new friend. what was so incredible about this person to me was that he is probably the most open and honest person i have ever met. he doesn't skirt tough conversations. as soon as i met him i thought, wow that is what i want to be like. i thought, how does a person get to be like that and what can i do to become like that? for what ever reason getting to know this person flipped that switch in my mind. the switch that made me realize i can say what i'm thinking, how i'm feeling and the world won't end. and actually i will most likely feel better about situations. for teaching me this i will be forever grateful to him.

over the last few weeks i have been trying so hard to be more honest when placed in a situation where i can either pretend things are ok or face something head on. by no stretch of the imagination am i going to say that i've been good at this or that it has been easy. it has been one of the more trying experiences of my life. it's been difficult but it's been rewarding. i must say that nothing has turned out the way i expected when i've had to be honest with people. and really for the last two weeks that has meant that what seemed like a negative has come out of every situation. there have been many tears and many prayers. it was a little discouraging to finally be honest and upfront with people and not get what i want (there's another lesson i'm working on... the difference between want and need). that is, until today. today was the pay off of pay offs.

background story: i have been having an extremely rough time with work for the last few months. i had my commission cut dramatically. the thing that was most difficult to handle was that it wasn't an across the board cut. it was 3 people. and it wasn't performance based. it was because the store here is small. something i have no control over what so ever. i have been besides myself angry about this. for months. i had finally reached a point about two weeks ago where i decided i needed to find a new job b/c i couldn't stand to live my life angry 40 hours a week. it was destroying me. changing me. making me hate everything. i just wasn't me anymore.

so today i get to work and i have a message from my corporate boss. i gave him a call back... i wasn't sure what the call was about so i hadn't prepped myself in any sort of way. anyway we get through everything that he wanted to discuss with me (and i must admit i wasn't pleasant to him. i'm sure he could sense the seething disdain in my voice. it's hard to miss something like seething disdain.). and he says to me 'is there anything else you would like to talk about?' and the words just started coming out, to my surprise. the honest truth was coming out of my mouth for the first time ever to this man. for the first time without thinking about telling the truth, i was telling it. i told him i was angry and i explained why. i told him i needed to be listened to. i told him he needed to tell me what he expected. i told him the truth. and he said 'ok, i understand.' after some discussion of the issue we got off the phone with the promise of some sort of answer by friday.

and then i cried. i cried because of how far i've come. i cried because i can finally stop being filled with anger. i cried because of how much i've learned and the amazing people who have taught it to me. i felt like this huge weight had been lifted from me. i don't have to be angry or hurt or frustrated anymore. even if he tells me he can't change anything i at least know i am equipped to discuss with him the next step. it was an incredible moment for me.

i know for most people this may not sound like a lot but for me it was a mountain. and i survived. i survived and i'm better than i was before.

i have decided that the two words i love to hear most are "i understand." that's all i want. to be heard and understood. i still have lots of learning and growing to do but i'm doing better. and there's nothing more i can ask of myself.

i am incredibly blessed. i know the lord has done these things for me.