i guess more than horses are turnin' into rats

i've been full of things to say lately. i think it's because i'm not watching tv any more. not even 30 rock. i know, right? i didn't give it up on purpose... it just kind of happened. and now it just never occurs to me to watch it. or maybe it's just because i have a lot going on in my head. funny side note, for a long time i refused to start a blog b/c i felt like i had nothing to say. turns out that wasn't true.

so tap lessons! they were amazing. i learned all sorts of new information. and now i'm getting ready for a recital in june. me! a recital! in june! i really can't wait. i'm going to tap my little heart out like no one has tapped before. i plan on taking up practicing on the stage in the backyard. it's made of wood so that should be perfect. i'm sure the neighbors will be quite surprised to look out and see an adult woman tap dancing in the backyard. and that's life.

i went running again tonight. now when i say i go running what i really mean is i jog until either my heart feels like it will explode or my legs attempt to detach from my torso and then i walk until i feel humanesque and then i start the process over again. i keep telling myself that we all have to start some where. the good news is i have started. anyway, i discovered tonight that i am terrified of running in the dark. it isn't so much the running but the idea of either a. tripping on some unseen object and becoming injured or b. getting hit by a car. neither of these things sounds great to me. when i started out this evening the sun was beginning to go down but i didn't think much of it because where i come from we have this thing called a "street light." unfortunately this technology has not yet made it's way to virginia. and soon i was attempting to jog home in the dark. this involved things such as jumping over imaginary holes and crossing the street to avoid a lurker who turned out to be a tree. you can never be too safe. trees can be dangerous!

on the subject of irrational fears, at work i'm constantly afraid that someone will come around a corner and accidentally stab me with a knife. this has always been a concern of mine in every store i work in.

i have 3 favorite things about running (and none of them are my legs detaching from my torso, oddly enough). 1. when you're running and you cross paths with another person who in engaging in some sort of outdoor activity (bike riding, dog walking, running) they wave and say hello because you're part of the family now. 2. i get to use my mp3 player (yes that's correct, mp3 player... not ipod. i bought it at target for like $30 and it's handy dandy notebook!). 3. saying you went running seems to be the coolest thing a person can do. i mean, i'm impressed by it and i'm the one doing it! i think laurel put it best when she said running is like showing up somewhere with a drink. you see, we have this theory that if you show up somewhere with a to go cup it shows all the people that you have been places and therefore are interesting and awesome. the same applies to running. i would like to believe that's true... because if you ask me, i'm interesting and awesome.

speaking of being awesome, here is a story about something dumb i did: so sunday morning i was getting ready to go to church and i was thinking about this guy who had been coming to church but i hadn't seen in a while. i was thinking about how i hoped he was doing ok and had just moved or something. keep in mind he wasn't someone i'd ever met before i had just seen him around and heard a couple stories about him in passing. anyway toward the end of church i see him standing in the hall talking to my roommate and i walk up and say 'i was thinking about you today!' and then he gave me a slightly confused look and i continued 'you don't know me, i'm elaina.' and then everyone laughed. in hindsight it was an extremely creepy thing to do. but i was just so excited to see him that i didn't think about it. and he was like 'uhmm was that a pickup line?!' which it totally wasn't. and i then attempted to explain why i had done what i did but at that point no one really cared to hear why i did it... they just knew i was nuts and that was all that mattered. thems the breaks.

so my new favorite old song is 'i would look good with you' by josh gracin. my favorite verse:

I'm a little too short
You're a hair too tall
I can but a stepladder aint no trouble at all
With my powers of persuasion
And your cheerleader smile
My uncanny way with numbers
And your middle class style
Hey baby, I would look good with you

i hope to date a shorter guy next so that i can giggle like a school girl whenever i hear this song. it's all about have the right priorities when selecting potential suitors.

friday night is the adventure to end all adventures and i'm realllllllllly excited. plus i convinced someone to go adventuring with me. it actually wasn't too difficult.
me: would you like to go adventuring friday night?
him: sure
me: ok show up at my house at 6, wear closed toe shoes and bring a flashlight.
him: ok.
pitures to follow i'm sure.

what a day for a day dream

i had the most incredible day. actually things have been really good lately. i suppose i should stop being amazed by this but i just can't... it's incredible to me how much the lord will bless us when we simply desire to do the right thing. i feel like i had some sort of switch flip in my head and i'm working toward becoming who i want to be.

i think part of this has to do with the fact that back in november or december i wrote down a list of goals. and then in january i wrote down a list of things i want to do this year. it's amazing what putting these things in writing will do. i have these lists pinned to my wall at work and every day i see them and i think about them and i move towards becoming them.

so here's a really long story. reader beware: this entry isn't for jokes. it's to record this moment in my life. so here we go...

one of my goals on my list was to be more open and honest with people. this is something i've thought about for a really long time but i didn't know what to do about it. for whatever reason i don't tell people about what's going on my life or how i feel. i generally feel like i will handle things myself and feel uncomfortable telling people what i'm thinking about (i do believe a big part of that is selfishness. i want to keep these events just for me and not let anyone else have them. i'm working on that part of me too.). i have really disliked that about my self but had no idea what to do about it. i've read tons of books on communication, yadda yadda yadda but none if it ever seemed to stick. anyway when i made this list of goals i wrote being open and honest on there. for the majority of my goals i was able to write daily, weekly and monthly activities that would help me achieve my goals. but for this particular goal i was at a loss. i didn't know how, where, when to start. i left it at that and hoped for the best on my goals and began working on what i knew how to do.

i started working on goals like being healthier. i cut out sodas. i'm exercising every day. i'm working on my goal of being closer to the lord. i'm reading my scriptures and praying every day. i'm taking opportunities to learn new skills and develop who i am.

anyway, fast forward a few months. i make a new friend. what was so incredible about this person to me was that he is probably the most open and honest person i have ever met. he doesn't skirt tough conversations. as soon as i met him i thought, wow that is what i want to be like. i thought, how does a person get to be like that and what can i do to become like that? for what ever reason getting to know this person flipped that switch in my mind. the switch that made me realize i can say what i'm thinking, how i'm feeling and the world won't end. and actually i will most likely feel better about situations. for teaching me this i will be forever grateful to him.

over the last few weeks i have been trying so hard to be more honest when placed in a situation where i can either pretend things are ok or face something head on. by no stretch of the imagination am i going to say that i've been good at this or that it has been easy. it has been one of the more trying experiences of my life. it's been difficult but it's been rewarding. i must say that nothing has turned out the way i expected when i've had to be honest with people. and really for the last two weeks that has meant that what seemed like a negative has come out of every situation. there have been many tears and many prayers. it was a little discouraging to finally be honest and upfront with people and not get what i want (there's another lesson i'm working on... the difference between want and need). that is, until today. today was the pay off of pay offs.

background story: i have been having an extremely rough time with work for the last few months. i had my commission cut dramatically. the thing that was most difficult to handle was that it wasn't an across the board cut. it was 3 people. and it wasn't performance based. it was because the store here is small. something i have no control over what so ever. i have been besides myself angry about this. for months. i had finally reached a point about two weeks ago where i decided i needed to find a new job b/c i couldn't stand to live my life angry 40 hours a week. it was destroying me. changing me. making me hate everything. i just wasn't me anymore.

so today i get to work and i have a message from my corporate boss. i gave him a call back... i wasn't sure what the call was about so i hadn't prepped myself in any sort of way. anyway we get through everything that he wanted to discuss with me (and i must admit i wasn't pleasant to him. i'm sure he could sense the seething disdain in my voice. it's hard to miss something like seething disdain.). and he says to me 'is there anything else you would like to talk about?' and the words just started coming out, to my surprise. the honest truth was coming out of my mouth for the first time ever to this man. for the first time without thinking about telling the truth, i was telling it. i told him i was angry and i explained why. i told him i needed to be listened to. i told him he needed to tell me what he expected. i told him the truth. and he said 'ok, i understand.' after some discussion of the issue we got off the phone with the promise of some sort of answer by friday.

and then i cried. i cried because of how far i've come. i cried because i can finally stop being filled with anger. i cried because of how much i've learned and the amazing people who have taught it to me. i felt like this huge weight had been lifted from me. i don't have to be angry or hurt or frustrated anymore. even if he tells me he can't change anything i at least know i am equipped to discuss with him the next step. it was an incredible moment for me.

i know for most people this may not sound like a lot but for me it was a mountain. and i survived. i survived and i'm better than i was before.

i have decided that the two words i love to hear most are "i understand." that's all i want. to be heard and understood. i still have lots of learning and growing to do but i'm doing better. and there's nothing more i can ask of myself.

i am incredibly blessed. i know the lord has done these things for me.

today is the day

so a couple months back i started receiving the ensign. i didn't sign up for it and no one seems to know who did it. who ever you are, thank you. thank you a thousand times over. you have no idea what this has meant to me and the difference this has made in my life. thank you.

an empire state of mind

life has been go, go, go lately. i can't wait to have some down time. i really need an evening to just zone out. wednesday i'm getting a massage right after work and then coming home and hibernating. as a side note, did you know that bears get up to go to the bathroom while they are hibernating? weird, huh?

tomorrow i have my first tap lesson. i'm really ridiculously excited. i can't wait until i have learned enough that i can go tapping around the house driving everyone insane. it's all i've ever wanted in life. well, and to have a time machine... but that's a given.

sometimes i worry about people and there's nothing i can do about it. in some ways i'm too sensitive for my own good. i hear about some touch of sadness and i feel like my heart might crumple in on itself.

that reminds me of the imogen heap song where she says she's got his heart in a headlock. someone i was with said it didn't make any sense b/c it's a heart in a headlock. and i said well it's easier and more clear than saying i'm making a triangle with my arm and squishing your heart in the middle. that doesn't make for an awesome song.

anyway, the weirdest things break my heart. someone was telling me a story at work this morning and i started crying and it was not an appropriate reaction to the story but i couldn't control myself. and of course that's right when my boss walks in. the good news is i scored a new teddy bear out of the embarrassment. i told my boss he should stop giving me things when i'm upset b/c he is just rewarding my bad behavior. pretty soon i'm just going to start fake crying or having fake mental break downs to see what kind of fun stuff he comes up with.

my work bud is my favorite person. he boosts my self esteem. makes me feel normal on days when i could just wallow in self pity. i'm a pretty lucky woman. i could be perfectly content to just sit and talk all day to him... about everything, nothing and all the things in between the two.

i've been going through a lot of changes on the inside lately. for the better. reclaiming me. stretching who i am to who i am to become. it's difficult and wonderful at the same time.

my latest motto is it's better to wear out than to rust out. i want to learn and experience and feel and smell and taste and be everything.

we did the monument 10k on saturday. today i signed up for a 5k mud run in may. there is a 10k trail scramble the day after the mud run that i'm considering doing. have i lost my mind?

change is in the air

tights and taps

that's right friends, i have purchased tap shoes. why would elaina go about purchasing tap shoes? well friend, i will tell you... i'm going to take tap dancing lessons! if i were any more excited there would be two of me (i just googled that phrase, hoping to remember where it came from... turns out its not any where on the internet. someone must have said it to me at some point and i filed it away under awesome in my brain). any who, i start tap lessons on tuesday evening. i look forward to this greatly. i love, love, love dancing and have missed it so much. it's going to be great to be taking some lessons and not spending tons of money on them this time. a couple stories about tap dancing. first, it's hilarious to me that i'm taking tap lessons b/c of the amount of time i have spent pretending that i already know how. when it comes up i always claim that i know how to tap dance (i've never taken a tap lesson in my life) and will always demonstrate that i know how (with enough jumping and enthusiastic jazz hands people are always convinced. i'm pretty sure it's the jazz hands... and my winning smile). i can remember times when britt would be in the hospital and she would request that i tap dance around the room to cheer her up (mind you, i was probably 19 or 20 years old when this was going on). but i'm always happy to oblige when someone wants a pretend tap recital (much like i'm always happy to oblige when people ask me to rap). the second reason tap lessons are hilarious is as follows: once we saw this kids group performing at the fair... they had rewritten the lyrics to 'dance: ten; looks: three' from chorus line (it's about... uhmm... getting plastic surgery in certain areas to get more jobs... if you know what i mean). Anyway they changed the words in the chorus to Tights and Taps instead of the two other things. So now that song replays in my head all the time except I can't remember most of the changed lyrics so it's a combination of the two which goes like this:

tights and taps
won't get you jobs unless their yours
didn't cost a fortune neither
didn't hurt my sex life either

obviously, i can't go around singing that every time i put on tap shoes. but it still makes me chuckle every time it pops in my head.

tights and taps are definitely one thing i don't have a shortage of in my life.

this is jessica (one of my roommates) and me at the canal in downtown richmond. we like to pretend we're tourists so that's why we're flashing the deuces. not that i have to justify the deuces to you.

while we're on the subject of deuces, one time when we were in high school some guy in a car randomly gave us a peace sign and in high school that's the funniest thing in the entire world. for a very long time we all went around giving people peace signs randomly.

speaking of high school, one time after school we were walking to mcdonalds before a comedy sportz game and some guys in a car threw bavarian creme filled donuts at us. ok so, 1. who randomly has bavarian creme filled donuts in their car? and 2. if you had bavarian creme filled donuts why in the world would you ever throw them out the window?! you eat that ish!

dear chuck e. cheese, WHAT THE CRAP IS YOUR PROBLEM?!? thanks, a REAL ambassador to fun!

but seriously, ann just text messaged this to me. i got really angry at first b/c you know what? jennifer freaking invented the ambassador to fun title and now chuck e. freaking cheese has stolen it! that's ABSURD. get your own made up title, you rat!

i've been having a really good week at work. i think the week away helped clear some cobwebs and now i'm able to enjoy the work a bit. plus i haven't had to deal with a certain person in texas so i'm not nearly as angry as i had been. lets just hope for the sake of my blood pressure that he doesn't come around for a while. i hate feeling like my brain might explode. i realized today, though, that i can be extremely stubborn and hard headed (especially in the work place). i suppose that's one more thing to work on. dear future elaina, try not to be so freaking stubborn.

this is from jamestown. i like this picture b/c i think it looks like i photoshoped myself into it. i think that's awesome. anyway, we recently went to jamestown, yorktown and williamsburg. it was pretty interesting stuff! we also spent a couple days in dc. some of the dc highlights:

-the juggle jogger: so dc is very much a jogging city. people are constantly jogging around. after days of traipsing (definition: to walk or tramp about. definitely not the tramping that's fo sho) i realized it was less painful on the legs to jog than to walk. so i think that's why everybody is always running around there. anyway, at this one point we see this guy run by and as he is running he is juggling! he's the juggle jogger. i'm not totally sure why you would do that and he didn't seem to be doing it as a joke or to like be practicing for his magic show. he appeared to be a business man in his late 40s who happens to juggle as he jogs. i want to go to there.

- joseph controls the universe with his MIND: so we're walking down the steps at the lincoln memorial and joseph says 'i wonder how many times a year someone falls down these steps.' as soon as he finished a kid totally eats it in front of us. joseph was kind and offered assistance (it was the least he could do after pushing her over with his mind) but she said she was fine and promptly whipped out her cell phone (to use the phone a friend life line, i'm certain). the moral of the story is: watch out for joseph.

- cell phones are dangerous: so one of the days while we were hurrying from one incredibly important site to the next i decided to become obsessed with playing on the internet on my phone. this was all fine and dandy while i was sitting on the metro. this was not fine and dandy when i was walking into trees. that's right... smacked my head on a tree branch. and you would think that would have sent the 'elaina put your phone away' message loud and clear but no. about ten minutes later i proceeded to accidentally walk into the men's restroom thinking it was just a hallway. AWKWARD. it was only then that i decided to put down the phone and use my eyes to watch where i was going.

-liam neeson's lessons on black holes: so we went to the air and space museum. sadly we didn't get to spend much time there (i really, really need to go back... i LOUVRE outer space with a passion) but we did get to see this film about outer space. pretty much they put you in these chairs where you are leaning way far back (i swear i only fell asleep for like15 seconds) and the entire ceiling is this crazy screen and then liam neeson tells you all about black holes. i learned the phrase 'event horizon.' i also learned that bill doesn't believe that space time is bent (i totally do and would fight someone to the death even though i don't know what i'm talking about... it's just one of those things for me). i also learned that black holes will suck you in like a person in a canoe headed toward a water fall.

in other news, reason number 372 i love richmond: daffodils grow wild here. at first i thought maybe just a lot of people planted them but then i realized they were EVERY WHERE. that's amazing! my favorite flower just grows all over the place! i'm such a lucky girl.

i recently revamped my list of 10 things to do before 2010 is over. here is the updated list:
1. keep a journal
2. take dance lessons
3. go to a concert
4. take an improv class
5. take a pottery class
6. read 10 books
7. see a play
8. learn to juggle
9. take more photos
10. go hiking

of these items, so far, i have completed number 7 - see a play. wicked is in town currently and about a week ago we saw it. i was extremely hesitant about seeing it b/c i read the book and was turned off by it and frankly scared to see the play. but nate is persuasive without really even trying and he presented the opportunity to win the wicked raffle. so what happens is for every show they save 10 pairs of orchestra tickets to be raffled off two hours before the show for $25 each. brianna, nate and i decided we would try our luck for the saturday evening show. long story short, nate won two tickets and then brianna won one so we were all able to see the play! YAY! it was cool to be so close and i really enoyed it. the sets, costumes, make up, lighting were all incredible. not to mention the acting and singing. i enjoyed the music a great deal. and felt like i related to glinda a little too much (maybe i need to do some soul searching about that). Overall it was a good, entertaining show. Definitely worth the $25. ;)

from this experience we realized that brianna, nate and i are a scale of optimism. you see brianna thought there was no way we were going to get tickets, i thought that only two of us would get to see it and nate was 100% confident that we would all get to see it and never even considered that we might not get in. i think this is the perfect illustration of the type of people we are. and this is why they bring me joy in my heart.

maybe just talkin', you'd get to know me better

the thing i love most about daylight saving time is that now when i leave the gym in the morning it's still dark out. i've been working out for an hour and the sun isn't even awake yet. lazy sun.

this morning i realized i'm a bit of a pitbull. i'm very protective and can be hard headed. isn't that what pitbulls are like?

yesterday was a lovely day. we had stake conference so church was much earlier than it normally is. in fact we were finished before our usual start time. it was nice b/c it gave us all the afternoon free. after a bit of wandering joseph and i decided to head to maymont for some croquet. i really enjoy that game. and joseph. i don't know why people don't play croquet more often. it just seems like the perfect way to pass a sunday afternoon.

my week long staycation is over and it's back to work today. ::sigh::

tgif

i have survived 2 weeks of going to the gym monday - friday. the most remarkable part of this is that i wake up at 5:20 AM. if you know me you know i'm not a morning person, to say the least. i'm not a night person either. i'm really a middle of the day person. anyway, i just wanted to document this momentous occasion.

it's friday, suckers! bring it!

this is from moving day. phil, joseph and me. this is a picture of the front of the house. check out the cute blue shutters. they match the cute blue door.

kimy and i got together for dinner. reasons i adore kimy: a list.
1. she is smart.
2. she is a hard worker.
3. she is a good listener.
4. she has red hair.
5. she understand when i talk business.
6. she was a great roommate.
7. she says things like "do you want to go get some godiva?"
plus tons of others reasons.

today brianna and nate came in for lunch. it was the best lunch i've had in ages. we talked about our jobs and our opinions on things like health care and NASA and whether or not it's ever safe to stand on a ladder on top of a desk. it was nice to have a break from talking about 3 year olds' birthday parties and explaining how power cards work and what the phrases 'revenue minimum' and 'prior to tax and gratuity' mean.

hobbies make me happy. i have spent so much time letting work define who i am and i'm just done with being that person. i suppose to people outside my brain (which would be everybody, except me... in case you were confused) that probably didn't ever seem like it was the case. or maybe i'm lying to myself about how much i let on about how my job controlled me. and to a large extent it still does. my work can greatly affect my mood and happiness level but i'm in a better place with it now.

lastly this picture of my hair:

laurel sent me these satin roses in the mail! they're really great. they also have a ribbon and two more roses. they can be used as a belt or necklace or on your lapel or... in your hair!

i'm going to extend the same offer on my blog. the first five people to comment on this entry will receive a handmade gift from me.

books is good

curse you hot tub time machine for being rated r. universe, you know i am a sucker for anything having to do with the space time continuum. it just isn't right. ::sigh:: thems the brakes i suppose.

so we're pretty much settled into the new house. a couple of my walls are still lacking in the art department but i'm getting there.

tonight i really feel like i need to paint but it's not going to happen. it probably won't happen until this weekend and that makes me a little sad. painting is such a wonderful stress reliever for me. maybe saturday afternoon i will have time to do the second layer of the painting i started a month ago. i'm really pleased with how it has turned out so far. it's a dark gray background, with a brown branching across it. now i just have to add pink / white cherry blossom flowers. maybe i will just make time tomorrow night.

last week i bought photography for dummies. i'm hoping to get out and start taking some pictures soon now that the weather is a little warmer and it's becoming spring. spring... it's like a dream come true, isn't it? the thing i look most forward to is when the fireflies come back. favorite thing in the entire world. i also look forward to going for bike rides again. maybe a picnic. feeling warm from the outside in.

bill comes to visit on saturday! yay! i've taken the entire week off work. it's going to be so nice to not have to go in for a while. i really need some away time. ::sigh:: but even better... i get to hang out with bill! i've been looking forward to this for a year! i feel the need to stock up on john wayne movies, vanilla ice cream and bananas.

i'm feeling kind of blue. some days you just can't get rid of a bomb.

a final story to make me happy. i spent one night while i was in ca up at laurel's house. amber text messaged me the next morning to tell me that felicity woke up and ran into the room where i had been staying, didn't find me there and ran back and said 'mom, where's my best friend?' i miss her. here is a picture of me and my bff. :)