to market, to market

going to the grocery store in virginia is always an experience. really, doing anything in virginia is an experience but the grocery store never fails to deliver on memorable moments. first, i have to let you know that virginians are very protective of their grocery stores. it's like their grocery store of choice is their favorite uncle and if you dare say anything bad about their store they will cut you. recently one of the local favorites, ukrops, sold out. they're all called martins now (i always want to call them henry's... and generally refer to it as the store formerly known as ukrops). this left a lot of people feeling confused, betrayed and kind of like their uncle got a sex change. nothing wrong with that, it's just not the same. so as ukrops/martins has begun to fall from the good graces of the virginians this has left some room for the other markets to move in.

first it was the radio ads by food lion (which i'm afraid of shopping at... i don't want to battle a lion for groceries! near diane's house food lion is called bloom. i'll shop there. it isn't as scary). food lion's ads went some thing along the lines of 'food lion is the only grocery store in virginia that has been in the family for fifty years... we'd never sell out or get a sex change.' they were obviously pandering to those who felt betrayed by their old family favorite.

next kroger decided to up the ante and relocated about a mile down the road to a bigger, brand new store. the kroger opened yesterday. today we ran out of vegetables so i was sent to the kroger. wow. so we pull up to a GIANT parking lot. and it was COMPLETELY full. in my head i think 'there must be a lot of people working.' when really i should have thought 'this shopping experience is going to be a nightmare.' after circling the parking lot and waiting for someone to leave and me shouting 'come on grandma, back it up!' we were finally able to secure a safe place to leave the car. the parking lot was odd b/c there were several cars parked haphazardly in the lot... barely in the lines, half way out into the lane. in my brain i think the people were so excited to get into the kroger that they just stopped their cars where ever and ran in without a care for what people were going to key into the side of their vehicle.

we walk through the sliding doors into a grocery wonderland. the first thing i see is a man in a tux playing a baby grand piano. in the middle of the day. a tux in the middle of the day?! these people mean business. caitlin and i make our way to the produce section, which has a nice floating sign that lets us know it's not referred to as the produce section, but rather 'the garden.' we collect our fruits and veges and make our way through the bakery section. we were distracted by some fancy cakes and we start discussing whether or not purchasing one is a good idea. i decide against it and say 'well if these were pumpkin pies i'd buy one.' i turn around and what do i find? not one but TWO tables of pumpkin pies. my hands were tied. i had *just* said i would buy a pumpkin pie if there was one... knowing, of course, that no one sells pumpkin pies in the summer. the table was even decorated with harvest-y decor, as if to say, 'we realize we shouldn't have these yet, so we've placed out these decorations to get the pumpkin pie gods off our tracks.' so i get a pumpkin pie and some cool whip b/c i have no choice and we make our way to the check out line.

as a side note i feel pretty fortunate to get to buy stuff for my job. it affords me the opportunity to purchase things in bulk from a store that does not sell things in bulk. for example, today i had to buy 15 avocados, 25 green peppers and 25 boxes of mushrooms. inevitably, the checker will try to guess what i'm going to do with all my stuff and they're always wrong. it's awesome.

anyway, we're waiting in the line and o magazine is there with oprah on the cover. i can't stand that woman but today she seemed to be calling out from the cover of the magazine 'welcome to kroooOOOooooger!' every time i glanced at the magazine i would laugh at the idea of oprah being there welcoming people to this new grocery store, which is evidently the biggest thing to happen in the west end since, well the ukrops changed to martins. (attention west enders: *please* get out more.)

anyway after the groceries are purchased we head to the most miserable part of any shopping experience. the kid who follows you to the car. HATE IT. so, ukrops decided it was good customer service to take everyone's groceries to their car. and now everyone else thinks they need to do it too. i don't want people going with me b/c 1. you have to make *akward* small talk 2. i can never find my car under pressure 3. i can do it myyyyyyyyself. i have often tried to refuse help, but they are tricky. they transfer your groceries into a different type of cart and then they say to you ' would you like assistance to your car?' and i say 'NO SIR I DO NOT.' to which they always reply 'well i can't let you take this cart outside...' because i'm not properly trained in the usage of their fancy bag boys carts, i guess. to which i reply ' well, i guess we're at an impasse. and since i've already paid for those groceries, lets do this.'

the worst thing is i generally walk around trying to look i'm saying 'don't talk to me... i don't like strangers' with my face, which, for what ever reason, says to richmonders 'hey come talk to me, i'd love to hear your life story.' and so i have to talk to this bag boy for ages (b/c i can't find my car while he's watching) and hear all about how his mom bought a new car or how he's been to dave & buster's before.

and this is why i hate grocery shopping. oh and i get followed and then hit on at the grocery store. but always by creepy guys. except you know, anyone who follows you around a grocery store seems creepy by the time you're face to face. doesn't matter who you are. at any rate, i'm considering throwing the towel on grocery shopping. i mean, tuxes in the middle of the day? i just can't keep up.