why girls are weird

today marks two weeks since i kicked the diet coke habit. not bad elainagans. not bad at all.

friday we attended a chamber lunch & learn. the main thing i got out of it was i wrote down a list of goals. i have goals! i have goals for the first time since i don't even know when. it was surprising to me that i was able to come out with a list of about 10 goals without thinking about it too long. i guess i had goals hidden in my brain all along but just hadn't stopped to acknowledge the fact that they were in there. it feels so good to have some goals. to not just be working without an end. my next step is to start putting together action plans. this is something i love about myself. i am a woman of action. for me, i don't want to just sit and talk about things. if we're going to talk it's because we want a solution. i always thought that it was confrontation that i hated but it turns out that i hate confrontation for the sake of confrontation. confrontation to come up with a solution is what i love. this seems to be a conversation i have at work a lot lately. i will tell them i don't mind that we have heated discussions about things as long as we are accomplishing something. we're not going to just yell at each other to yell at each other. we're going to yell each other and work out an answer and then move on with our lives.

anyway, over this next week i'm going to begin mapping out my goals and making progress towards them. this makes me feel good about me.

today while i was sitting in church i was struck by how incredibly blessed i am right now. i have people who care about me deeply. people who love me and i love in return. people i have meaningful relationships with and who enrich my life by being part of it. i am happy to have a life that i view as drama free, as calm, as honest and real and joyful. a life that i am happy to share with those around me. i look forward to one day marrying and having a relationship like this with my husband... like this but more. the idea of it no longer scares me like it used to.

this morning my home teachers were over. they gave a lesson that concluded with something along the lines of 'don't move back to california.' but what i got from the lesson was the message of how wonderful my family is. funny how that works, isn't it? i just sat there and thought about how lucky i am to have my family. i thought about how much i love my siblings and their children. how much i love my parents. their examples, their love. for all the good that has been done. how time and the Savior heal all. i don't express these things enough, because well, it's just not who i am.

it doesn't so much whether i move to california or new york or the moon or stay right here in virginia, as long as i continue to learn and grow as a person i will be happy. and yes, i know that doesn't help me decide what i'm going to do with my life.

i submitted a resume tonight. as i clicked the send button i became extremely nervous. the idea of leaving a company that i have worked for almost 5 years is terrifying, especially for someone who is not yet 26. i feel as though i have grown up with dave & buster's. a couple times for the last few months i have had little melt downs when i realize i don't know where dave & buster's stops and where i begin. i have a little sign posted at my desk that says elaina (the equal sign with a slash through it) dave & buster's. i have a hard time remembering that i am not dave & buster's and dave & buster's is not me. my self worth is not determined by my job performance.

we did this exercise at the chamber event where we made a list of all the roles we perform in life: sales manager, student of life, sister, daughter, friend, etc and then rated ourselves on a scale of 1 to 10 at performing these jobs. at the top we rated what we thought we were as a person. the instructor told us that no matter what we should always see ourselves as a 10. who i am and my 10ness is not contingent upon me being a perfect friend, a perfect sales person or even being terrible at any of these things. so i need to be better at reading sales development books? makes me an 8 at student. but i'm still a 10 as a person. i thought it was a very valuable lesson.

i really appreciate the chamber of commerce here for providing these learning opportunities that mean so much more than business.

i just thought of something. i used to have a blue ribbon taped to the dashboard of my car when i was in college. it said in gold writing 'who i am makes a difference.' i believe that. i believe that people are changed from knowing me.

i feel as though i've begun to wax nostalgic lately. with all the pulling out the old high school notebooks and stories of days gone by. it just good to look back and see the changes. to remember the joys. to see the growth that has taken place. to see where i am and where i came from. to figure out where i'm going and how to get there. maybe it's the upcoming birthday. is this what getting old does to you?